Eli Roth is a Good Director… and a Whiny Little Bitch

by Paige MacGregor

After the recent box office “disaster” formally known as Hostel: Part II, director Eli Roth discussed the film’s “failure”–oh god, a film that only grossed $8,203,391 on 2,350 screens across the country its opening weekend! What is the entertainment world coming to?!?–in several interviews and online forums (including his myspace.com blog), alluding to its influence over his recently altered production schedule.

For those of us who are somewhat marginal fans of Roth’s—based on his frequent association with kick-ass actor/director Quentin Tarantino (most recent role: “The Rapist” in the Planet Terror segment of Grindhouse… and yes, he’s actually credited that way, go check IMDb), perhaps?—this information has provided us with valuable insight into Roth’s directorial persona; namely that he’s a whiny little bitch.

According to an article published by FirstShowing.net, Roth has recently changed his widely publicized plan to finish production on his adaptation of Stephen King’s Cell, electing instead to “take the rest of the year to write [his] other projects.”

Don’t be fooled, though. This isn’t some genius decision made by a phenomenal director in an effort to produce higher quality material… no, it’s a rash decision made by a guy (good director though he may be) who is upset about his most recent release and is trying to save face.

Too late, Eli.

But Roth doesn’t want us to know that he blames himself for the recent Hostel: Part II flop. No… the failure of the R-rated Hostel: Part II to beat out some of the most anticipated sequels in movie history (read: Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End, Spider-Man 3, The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer) is the fault of piracy, growing disillusionment of audiences with the horror genre, and little green monkeys that come from outer space…

According to Roth, “The R-rated horror film is in serious jeopardy. Studios feel the public doesn’t want them anymore, and so they are only putting PG-13 films into production. The only way to counter this perception is to get out there and support R-rated horror.”

Surprisingly, Roth hasn’t (yet) blamed James Wan, Darren Lynn Bousman, Leigh Whannell or any of the other writers and directors involved in the $222-million-dollar-grossing Saw trilogy for his disappointment over Hostel: Part II’s performance at the box office. According to an article published in the L.A. Times, Roth “reworked the script of Hostel: Part II and a scene of a girl getting her stomach-piercing jewelry ripped out when the filmmakers of the upcoming Saw IV cheerfully bragged that they had already covered that creative ground.” Roth was quoted in the article as saying that it was “a shame” that he was forced to change the scene… well, why don’t you cry about it a little bit, Eli, you whiny bitch?

Personally, what we really can’t figure out is why a director like Roth, who obviously exercises a very high opinion of himself (if you don’t believe us, read this quote: “What I’m saying is, this is your last chance to see one of my films for a while. If you haven’t seen it, go now, because after next weekend the film will be gone from theaters.”), is so intent on measuring his success in box office dollars? Granted, a lot of other people in the Hollywood motion picture industry measure success that way, but the times are changing as more and more people are coming to the realization that the general American populace is by and large a very stupid entity (did anyone else notice that all of the films winning awards this season were limited releases and independent flicks? Yeah, my point exactly…).

Here’s a tip, Eli: if you want to be popular and score some big revenues at the box office, make a movie from that fake Grindhouse trailer for Thanksgiving—the scene with the killer humping the turkey will be a big hit, I’m sure.